Hi people the boater is back. I love him but i love me more. However his baggage leads me to destructive behavior. I want to have children he has a vasectomy. He has an entourage of women who behave scandalous like i knew. I knew i wasnt being naive. Its true they all carry in reckless flirting. The energy it takes to be with him is unacceptable.
He told me he’d call and he didn’t. Apparently, I haven’t taken the hint. His words and behavior all say I want nothing to do with you. He’s a loser. All the signs were there about him and I let his acting fool me. Waste my time and distract my life. He wanted me to fall in love with him so he could selfishly see that he could feel lives again. These all assumptions. Like I assume he also wanted someone to love him and reject them since he was left by his ex. I believe he blames all women and is confused between hurting and abusing and torn to love them especially when he gets a good one. I also feel like if I were white with blonde hair and colored eyes he’d treated better and want to make it work better. He’s a jerk. I have plenty to offer and I deserve better. I was good the whole time. God I need someone who is in perfect harmony with me and I’m attracted to him. I can’t take this anymore. This disrespect and loneliness is depressing. However, remove him from my life he’s just another disappointment and reminder of another tragic relationship
I’m here living in a state of stump. I just want to lie up with you. My days now me and I chose to plan but have no interest in fulfilling these plans. I miss you and it didn’t even matter. You don’t want to be with me. I am forced to go back on the search. I had to convince myself to walk away from you and the limited affection you offer. You don’t want to be with me. You didn’t enjoy what we had as much as me else you’d come back. Or you . Just wouldn’t have left at all. But you did and the more you walked away from an us. You said you needed to work on you. You were broken. I understand . So my option was to leave because I needed more from you. I needed you. You abandoned me. I hate you for it. Everything is lackluster. I continue on just to one day make it out of my poorly hidden misery. I’m giving this life a try. Hopefully, I’ll meet someone worth my energy soon. Hopefully they’ll commit. Hopefully we’ll be together till death do us part. Hopefully we’ll be happier. Hopefully we’ll bring joy to each other’s lives. I miss that feeling most of all. What we had when you tried was amazing. All my ex’s before they gave up were awesome. Now, you all are just distant memories of find times and disappointment of the heart. Who do I call to vibe. Basketball is flat out not someone I should waste my energy toward. My ex love of my life I don’t trust and has a pet. I wouldn’t ask anyone to give up their pet cause I sure wouldn’t give up my baby. Then I have the option to allow life to happen and see what men I’m presented. This will take patience and trust someone will come around. I’m living. I’m trying to prepare in life. I can’t discount myself. I’m doing the best I can with the means I am equipped. I just feel like us not enough. I’m grateful and didn’t be so hard on myself. I am blessed with a decent social life. Everything I’d like to do and do because they are instantly gratifying are two different things. What I’d like to do is a process of adjustment and the details bore me. I rather be enjoying my time with my boo. I don’t have a boo. Why is it those things I’d like to do is do when my boo is around. Because those things are hobbies. I’d do them occasionally when I’m bored and must give us both breathing space so we appreciate one another. I want to have a family. I want a husband. That’s what I really want. I want to vibe with him and be attached to him. I felt I had that with Mr. Big. Was I wrong? That’s all I wanted. Wtf
Mr. Big said he doesn’t want to have children or get married. That’s why I can’t look back. In the beginning he did. Now he doesn’t. I can’t gamble about my unborn children. I want them like my next breath. I need someone who is willing to support this fact. I want my eggs in my reproductive system in my body and my husband’s sperm to create my very own children God blesses me with in my life. God I beg you hear and soul for this. I beg you for a man better than I could imagine to marry me and make my truest dreams possible about starting my our family with my gorgeous financial stable loving faithful husband. I pray we grow old and wrinkly together.
Why am I obsessing over Rex again? He’s around he’s cute he not responding to me He’s distracting me from Spike I always liked him? Eh it’s a mixture of things. Not so much a distraction from Spike. I always liked Rex. I knew him longer. The thing is, he never knew how to treat me. I never told him either cause he never was around. He left for school and did his own thing. Basically he came off as player. Since I wasn’t on his mind I always would move on. But that’s his pattern. N my pattern is to always move on. I like him because he’s attractive. That’s it. I don’t really talk to him. He’s distant and didn’t communicate. He’s never around when I need him so it’ll be the same problem I had with Spike. His looks are alluring but when that’s gone I have no-one there because they emotionally unavailable. Spike gave me conversation, but Exe did at one point. Not like spike but the point is they both always weren’t around. They were always leaving. The next guy I have to make my boundaries clear so they know it from the jump. Rex and I never had anything. It was all in my head and all in his head. We were never a couple. This time around he still isn’t available or even making an attempt to give us a shot. Like last time. Forget about Rex& Spike God will get my husband for me.
It naturally took an order of steps to realize it’s over. These steps also evoked self understanding. It is typically no good for me to continue friendships with ex’s. At least not until I’ve completely moved on with my life and hopes of an us diminish. Apparently, that’s not the case with many of my ex’s. It’s also not me who needs to move on and let go. It’s them as well. They continue to see me as the woman which they were involved. Their idea of us being involved disrupts them with being a genuine friend. We both May leave the relationship but it breaks out hearts to see each other with other people. We don’t and can’t coach each other on the success of being with someone else. The irony is can we coach one another when we couldn’t use the same advice for our own relationship? Therefore, it’s not just me who can’t let go, but I’ve accepted it’s over. I can no longer deal with their indecisive stubbornness. I deserve better. My survival depends on it. My survival needs me focused not caught up in the forever broken.
Two letters saying good bye in one day. It saddens me because it’s surely puts an end to what i thought could be real, but deep down knew were games.i truly want and tear run for love. What i saw Warren i looked at them was just that. But it was my imagination seeing them up to be a man who could love me.especially love me for me. My chest wells up with emotion. My eyes well up with one tear. Apparently i can’t a wail anymore. It’s because i know what I’ve done is right. Although i feared making these decisions, i must. If i didn’t my survival was on the line. This isn’t said with dramatic frills. NO! It was said with honesty. I could no longer bargain with the truth. I was desperate for clarity. I needed to end this vicious cycle. Good bye lovers. You were not my friends. I was more than good to you. I humbled myself to embrace anothers existence.i did what’s right. Now it’s time for it to be a mutual reciprocated experience. This is why i don’t have many years to shed. I’ve shed them long enough to learn i deserve better and trust i will. God promised me through Him I will gain His fruits and be delivered. In God we trust. My time is now. If anyone of them returns to me, they are required to return correctly or else they will remain r removed from my existence. My survival wasnt meant to be squandered. I blessed with life, not my life to be robbed.
Create filament of my hope into man
Unreleased shiftlessness reminded
Perhaps was my hope totaled
Stolen appreciation of fact
Belonging to one Creator
My hope should lie
Nearly moved in recollection
Found in limbo of moments of peace
In man part trust
Actions of one love
Is a recommended destiny
Still in my hope
Acting in love
My destiny will be done
Unreleased ordinary structure without discipline
Pestilence quaking in the crumbs of broken bread
To what regard does the bird peal air with wings
Then place rest in balance
Tilting and swing
Like the white silver and blue
More complicated than the best i can
Easy order of choice
Choice erected from memories
Fills me up mechanism
Days bounded in truth
Propel the wings
Amoeba of the vertebra
Be done with distorted cohabitation
Why is loving someone difficult. I presume it must have something to do with the challenge of overcoming animal uncontrollable nature. To wonder by marvels and nurture those marvels according to the recipes in which they need nurturing is not always what ones willing to accept and or appreciate. Perhaps it’s the fact of appreciating such things depreciate our own existence. Another notion, is ignorance. Either concept is true and at some regard especially true in union. Ultimately, this compilation is burdened and blessed by time. Time allows opportunity for knowledge and wisdom. Evidently, hope and fear leave an unsteady security which assumes identity. Why can’t the blunt truth be enough? The I love you ‘s. The love at which commitment with a companion were provided. Is it only for the few?